But I have decided to tell now, in LURID and EXCRUCIATING detail, one event that did happen on my road trip just because it was so funny, so visceral and slapstick erotic without the erotic part. Now if you are even a casual reader of my website you will know that I am romantically involved with men, 99% of the time. I have had sex with three (now four) women in my lifetime, had sex with each one once. This is the story of the latest. To some of you this will be a HORROR story (it almost was to me). It took a kooky crackhead in a deserted Kinko's Copies on a lonely, semi-desperate night in Dallas Texas... but here you go... this is the story of the fourth woman (to date) in my life that I SCORED!!! It's part one (of two parts) of the fateful story of the night on my road trip when romance and I and heterosexuality and some brightly colored candy and a questionable, jittery siren ...comingled. It was the night I touched a vagina with glee. It was the night...

It was about 11pm on (I think) a Friday night in Dallas, Texas. I was at a Kinko's 24hr Copies right across the highway from the Motel 6 I was staying in. I had been on the road about a week and a half and was currently in Dallas, visiting old haunts, avoiding old friends (for the first few days I was there) and just kind of floating around the town I grew up in, letting all the ghosts hover around me as I floated from sacred past place to sacred past place. I was using the computer access at Kinko's to check my email and do stuff with my webpage. The place was virtually deserted except for me, the two guys in blue aprons who worked there, and the occasional in-and-quickly-back-out customer. The computer monitors and chairs lined the entire left wall of the Kinko's. I was at the computer console on the end of the row, at the very back, against the back wall, next to the hallway that led to the bathrooms and back offices. There was one of those little gumball/candy machines right next to my console. It was the kind that kind of rotated and you put a quarter in and could choose by turning the top to get a handfull of peanuts, M&M's, gumballs or Skittles. The candy would then come out of this chamber when you turn the coin slot thing and the candy was stopped by this little metal door that you had to open with one hand while you held the other hand underneath it for the candy to fall into ( trust me this will be important later). Since this machine was literally at an arm's length for me as I sat there, I kept getting helping after helping of Skittles and was chewing on them ravenously as I was looking at the web and working on stuff. I had all the time in the world and was actually kind of bored so I was really taking my time.

While I was sitting there answering emails and eating candy and really just kind of killing time, out of the corner of my left eye and ear I saw/heard a loud young woman come in and start shouting her requests to the guys behind the counter as soon as she entered the glass doors (the guys were behind the counter about 100 feet away from the front entrance). She was all flailing arms and all "I need to use a computer! I don't know what I'm doing! I need to use a computer! Can you help me? I need help! Do you have computers?!" You would think that as she got closer and closer to the counter and they guys, her voice would have gradually gotten quieter as she was getting closer and closer to the guy's ears ...it didn't. This would be the woman that would lead me down those wobbly funhouse stairs... oops I mean, up that GOLDEN LADDER to visit the land of smelly... I mean, sensual heterosexual pleasures of the flesh once again. What an entrance.

I didn't turn and look at her (although it was obvious that she wanted everyone there to), my siren of earthly pleasures. "I need to use a computer and I have a credit card! What do I do!? What do I... where... what's... over there!? Can you help me?" she subtly screamed to anyone within a 500 mile radius. She wasn't being rude, not at all as a matter of fact. There was a distinct friendliness to her tone of voice... it was just that that friendly tone could shatter glass. As I was still sitting there working at my computer and chewing candy furiously (a sign of sexual frustration?), I watched out of the corner of my eye as one of the men that worked there kind of took this bundle of slightly frenzied energy that was this girl and sat her down at a computer about seven consoles to my left. As he tried to explain to her how to work the computer and how to pay and everything, she was flirting, flirting, flirting with him in a pretty much obnoxious and funny way. Her strategy seemed to be to try and eradicate his social skills map and cause his axis to tilt and get him laughing as much as she could. I couldn't hear exactly what was going on I was just picking this information up with visual clues. I could tell though that he didn't really seem interested and seemed to want to explain the information to her as quickly as possible so as to get away from her. She kept point her finger really hard on the computer screen (pressing it against the screen so it bent backwards) and saying in a girlie sing-song voice "What is thaaaaaaaaaat!? I don't know what thaaaaaat is!" She was really putting on a show for him, really pouring it on thick. He wasn't really having it, I guess he was busy and maybe not interested. It seemed a little odd, from what I could see she looked pretty, she had a great body, thin waist, not-fat ass, prominent breasts... dressed in tight jeans and an even tighter, thin, light blue sweater that hugged her bra-less tits, sandals or flip flops I think, long-ish brunette hair kind of pulled up into a sloppy bun with some hair clips, big eyes that looked right at your eyes the whole time she was in your presence, a permanent non-stop smile, and a persona that projected a need to party and have a good time with anyone and everyone. Now 99% of me is not into girls sexually but she looked like a real catch for any straight single guy with half a brain who could get one eye open if you know what I mean. When the guy finally got away from her needy persona's grasp and walked over to behind the counter again (where I may have heard him and his co-worker chuckling about the girl), the girl just stared at at her computer screen quietly and seemed to be doing, something... I think, I'm not sure. I was WELL aware of her presence in the quiet store... she was the type that made her presence known even when she was just sitting there motionless. Pretty soon, I could see her directing her sight and energies towards me. About once a minute she would turn her head really quick and look right in my direction. The first time she did it, it was I think to take in as much information about me and my surroundings as possible, then weigh what she had seen in her head, using the information to form a plan of action that would be her wield for power a mere few minutes later. The next few times she turned and looked at me, it didn't seem like she was looking as much as she was trying to make me aware that she was looking. I didn't look back. I have this weird reaction to people cruising me (I never do it to others), and an even weirder reaction to girls cruising me. Usually I am not in the mood for girls flirting with me, at least not sexually. Oh I will chat them up blah blah blah, but usually I put up these walls like "I am not interested in you sexually". It's cool... I live with it... everybody does. I guess it doesn't matter what sex or preference you or they are, everybody, at some time or another, has to put up with people flirting with them that they aren't interested in.

So anyway... soon, out of the corner of my eye, I see her get up and come over to me. OK me... here we go. My reactions are ready. Is she going to say something? Walls going up... locked into place, radar is following target. Conscious mind is ready with a choice of different words, vocal tones, body motions, facial expressions and reactions that I can use while interacting with her. These different various combinations of social behavior and each one's varying intensities and each one's possible outcome are playing themselves out in my head with light speed as she quickly approaches. "These things have worked before in similar situations... they will work again" my mind is saying. She's coming closer... closer... everything is falling into place... looking at my Kinko's computer screen, hands pretending to type... ready to act surprised, a little confused and speechless at what she says to me (meaning I was totally unaware of her presence up to that point). Closer... closer... actors get into position, curtain raising...

Then, as I'm play acting (as in childish) all oblivious, instead of walking up to me and saying "Excuse me... do you know anything about computers?" which is what I THOUGHT she was going to say... she walked right behind my chair, past me, and to the gumball machine to my right - the breeze from her motion bristling the hair on the back of my neck. "Mmmm... maybe she isn't going to say anything to me." I think, "I'm so self centered." The calculations in my head about how to handle and what to say began to wind down. Meanwhile the girl had crouched down, a mere few feet to my right, and placed a quarter in the machine. She chose Skittles. As soon as the candy made the clinkity clankity trip from the glass chamber down the metal tube into the little trap door... I soon heard this little pitter-patter-pat-put-pat sound all around me and heard her say at me in a loud voice "Oh oh! Oh my God! Haha! Oops! I'm sorry! Oh my God... hee hee um. Excuse me um... guy? Hey guy? dude I'm sorry... can yooooouuu raise your feet a little? I dropped Skittles all over your feet... wait don't move!" She had forgot to hold her hand out and the Skittles had fallen all over the gray industrial carpet under my black combat boot feet. Boing bouncy boingy boing. Just like the commercial for Skittles - where they fall from the sky in a gray environment and cause a rainbow to appear. Hmmmm... clever move. It forced me to interact with her. The computers in my head kicked into high gear again in the micro second in which I prepared my reaction. My head full of facial expressions possibilities, body language possibilities, tone of voice  possibilities and words used  possibilities - all in quickly calculating math equations jumbled around my head in a spazzing hyper friction rug burn cluster. Ouch.

So just as she's still picking up Skittles and I'm stopping what I'm doing and beginning to turn my attention down to her, all the equations of combinations of body movement, face expressions, vocal tones, and language and all possible and projected outcomes going off in my head (beep blip boop) and changing drastically with every microsecond of the reality going around outside my head and how I perceived it combined with my past life experience AND about to collide head on in a do-or-die moment with the equations of combinations of body movement, face expressions, vocal tones, and language and all possible and projected outcomes going off in HER head and changing drastically with every microsecond of the reality going around outside her head and how she perceived it combined with her past life experience - it was all about to collide like a blindingly gooey super nova chess game (don't get too excited, these super novas play out trillions of times a day simultaneously in the human social arena). Actors take your positions... 3... 2... 1... target is marked... wait..... hold on a second... wait...

Just as I was "ready". Just as I was about to take MY center stage. Just as Conan O'Brian was saying "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Mark Allen!" for a spontaneous but scripted chat in front of the cameras. Just as I was about to take the microphone in hand and say a word or two to gauge the room. Just then... as she was picking up Skittles from around my boots (and putting a few directly into her laughing mouth - ew?) and was basically crouching and moving like a spider all around me mere inches from my feet, knees, hands, legs and ass... and smiling REAL BIG and placing candy in her mouth and saying "I'm sorrrryyyyeeeeeeeee!!!" in what was basically a subservient position times about 1,000 and probably would have given Freud himself a migraine just trying to analyze the whole thing ...something inside me... clicked.

Something inside me "clicked" in the way a guy who has been working calmly and productively in an stressful office job for 20 years "clicks" and goes home, gets a rifle, goes back to the office and calmly starts shooting to death everyone he has worked with for the last two decades and ends up on the 10 o'clock news clicks. That kind of "clicked" - it was that drastic. But don't jump to conclusions too fast... whatever clicked inside me clicked "off" instead of "on". It was a highly positive "click". Something let go and something gave way and what came pouring out was... nothing. Nothing at all. No words, no games, no strategy, no flirting, no nothing. All the equations of combinations of body movement, face expressions, vocal tones, and language and all possible and projected outcomes going off in my head and changing drastically with every microsecond of the reality going around outside my head and how I perceived it combined with my past life experience just ...stopped. The plug was pulled. The calculating computer screens in my head went *bloop!* off. The whirring computer tape in my head slowly stopped spinning, un-needed computer punch cards stopped coming out of the machines in my head and fluttered to the ground. The phones in my head stopped ringing. The lights in the office in my head went off. Everyone that worked in that department of my head, the Department Of How To React To a Girl Flirting With You and Related Social Phenomenon went home for the day. Every rehearsed line, every expectation, every judgment just stopped. I became kind of naked in a way. I became totally open, smiling, vulnerable, unrehearsed... real. She was undulating all around my body on all fours, crouched down, legs spread wide, laughing heartily and saying she was sorry and looking right into my eyes and placing candy in her mouth and drooling colored drool and looking right into my eyes with her bright, smiling and slightly crooked face, one eyelid slightly lower than the other. I was sitting there with all learned social functions off, actually beginning to feel nature's magnetic procreative pull, tuned into the squishy pink nerve center of primal.  It was actually quite transcendent and really an epiphanic moment if I do say so myself.

Her reaction? Well, I think all the computers were still going off and whirring like mad in HER head... but not to the degree they were going off in mine earlier. I definitely think, no I KNOW, that she was the pursuer and I was the persue-ee in the situation. Her computers and calculations HAD to be running in this case. It was kind of work for her. I could just sit back and kind of be entertained. I had no interest in having sex with her, but instead of hastily trying to control the situation like I usually do when a girl flirts with me... like instantly talking about my boyfriends or how cute the guy across the room is or... OK stop fooling yourself Mark, just by opening my mouth PERIOD the girl KNOWS I'm 1/2 her sex too and most likely unavailable for romance but possibly am available for friendly chat. You KNOW what I'm talking about - 'nuff said. Instead of doing that I just kind of earnestly smiled and said something like "Yea I was eating them off the floor earlier too." My body language was WIDE OPEN.

She pulled up a chair next to mine. It felt good... no it felt GREAT to have some actual human attention that wasn't a motel maid or a person I was asking for directions in some nowhere town. I LOVED her flirty, friendly and obnoxious way of commandeering my attention. It felt GOOD! It felt REALLY good. She was talking to, no AT me, putting her finger hard against my computer screen so it bent back and exposed her bitten, unkempt nails, pointing at some web page I had pulled up and saying "Ewwwwww! Whaaaaat's thaaaaaaaaaat!?" and saying things in a Chrissy Snow voice like "You're from Neeeewwww Yoooorrrkkk??? EEEEWWWWW! Stinky" and holding her nostrils shut with her thumb and forefinger so the word "stinky!" came out like "staung-gug!" and wincing her face and laughing after everything that I (and after everything that she) said. I loved it! I felt like an 11 year old kid excited that his high school-age cheerleader baby sitter with huge tits was in the house alone with him while his parents were out. Oh God what was wrong with me?

As she was putting on this genuinley enjoyable performance, I began to get a really good look at her. I mean I was getting a REALLY good look at her. She was slightly a Monet. In case you don't know, someone who is a "Monet" is a person who is like one of the impressionist painter Claude Monet's paintings. From a distance they look like a beautiful picture of a glorious, majestic cathedral or some beautiful flowers... but when you get real close you see they are just random, gloppy dotty blobs of paint. I was seeing the blobs of different colored paint specks on this girl's face in the harsh fluorescent light of Kinko's 24hr Copies on Central Expressway in Dallas, Texas. I also noticed her slight Texas twang. The twang I lost 10 years ago when I moved the New York Shitty.

As I was looking at her more closely, I noticed something kind of "hard" about her - not her personality which was bubbly, friendly and sending severe-radar-signals-out-for-a-good-time to a fault. It was her appearance. She had a great body - fantastic even. Thin waist visible through her belly button-showing half top baby blue sweater, great boobs (B cup?) that you could see every bit of against the tight sweater, nice ass... I suppose... not "fat" or to skinny - nice hips. Her face was really high cheek boned, smallish nose, big mouth (but not full lips), pretty brunette hair pulled back in some kind of shape behind her head with a big clip, flip flops or sandals I can't remember. She had a nice, thin body that seemed filled out in all the right places. Maybe she didn't I don't know - I honestly don't pay too much attention to the curves of girl's bodies. But I thought she was pretty! Damn good looking as a matter of fact! She could almost be a runway model, but not a print model. But she looked like a mid-90's post-heroin scandal model. A model gone BAD. This is because there were cracks in her physical facade... like the cracks I could see running horizontally across her forehead when the light hit them just right, even when she relaxed her forehead. I saw crows feet. I saw lines on her mouth that ran perpendicular to her lips. I saw lines on her neck. When she raised her skinny arms all the way up they looked kind of sinewy. All these physical traits seemed premature for her. Was she in her 20's? 30's? Why did she act like she was in her early teens? Why did she have the body of a late 20's early 30's woman with the skin of a 40 year old (in certain light)? As she performed all kinds of social flirtation and vocal somersaults and flirty acrobats in front of my gapping eyes (I was mesmerized! I swear!) I began to see that her body (and mind) looked like it had been on overdrive for the better part of the day(s) of the week(s) of the month(s) for probably the last couple of years. She had artificial stimulation marks all over her persona. Crack? Crystal Meth? Speed "light"? Definitely not heroin - at least not exclusively. But unless she was just mentally off center to begin with... there was SOMETHING pumping through those attractive, friendly veins. And it looks like it had been bubbling in there for quite a while. She was like one of those girls you see getting arrested on "COPS" for prostituting for crack money, doing that "crack dance" that they all do because they just can't stand still - but not entirely... sometimes she was and sometimes she wasn't. Half of me was saying "This girl is just energetic and wacky and maybe in art school!" and the other half of me was saying "Mark who are you kidding? This is a crackhead $10 whore and the only reason she's in here chatting you up is because her pissed off pimp is searching for her frantically in the parking lot outside and will be in here any minute to kill us all" ahhhh decisions... decisions... I looked over at the computer she had been sitting at. There was a notebook, some papers and a leather purse (left behind with her back turned... tsk... tsk... - wait a minute Mark - you're letting a possible crackhead small time grifter chat you up relentlessly - who's being street smart here and who isn't? Hmmmmmm?). Did her purse contain a stem, Brillo pad and several credit cards that didn't belong to her? Hmmmm... Brillo pad or no Brillo pad... whatever was going on with this zany girl - she had me hooked. Anyway, before I start to ramble on too much about the war between dream and reality and the war between straight or gay that were both raging in my head as I was talking to this girl let me just give you the facts:

According to her, her name was Breck, I didn't ask her age (whadda gentleman), she was a waitress at Bennigan's restaurant (one just a mile down the freeway as a matter of fact), she was here to print out a copy of her resume, she lived in Plano. That's about it. Oddly bland. That speaks volumes right? Was she making a half assed attempt to cover up her real activities? I didn't care - I was blinded by like. I was pretty vague with my answers to her questions too. But she actually didn't have a lot of questions to ask me. I loved this. There is nothing more boorish than someone who pumps you relentlessly for information the first time they meet you. She just seemed interested in a good time. We talked and talked about anything and everything. We laughed a lot. Everything was funny to her. I showed her a bunch of places on the web that I thought she would think were funny. They always took too long to load on Kinko's slow internet connection and this would just be another excuse for her to start telling a story that really didn't go anywhere or ask me funny things about New York and September 11th. She kept using the word "in-saaaane!" over and over and I wondered how close a relationship she had with the word. Sometimes when she said "in-saaane!" she would hold her hands beside her ears and shake her head and stick out her tongue on the "a-a-a-a-a" part of "in-s-a-a-a-a-a-ne!" so it sounded like "in-say-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay-ne!" I laughed really hard when she would do this. As soon as she saw this made me laugh she did it about a hundred times more. I showed her my website and talked about it. She seemed totally aware that I was gay and she didn't seem to have any particular reaction to this at all. I kept tossing back and forth in my head whether she was just a goofy fun time girl (I can't believe I just wrote that) or a crack head. It was actually hard to tell. Maybe she only used drugs sometimes... maybe she used them in her past and even though she was clean her brain had been a little blow dried - ya'know? Maybe maybe maybe. She was hard to peg. But she was really fun, and funny. She had a great life energy... no bullshit. Part of me liked her company a lot but part of me was a little bit intimidated by her - mainly the drug suspicions - which is weird because every other friend of mine in NYC is a drug addict or criminal of some kind. And some parts of me felt a little bit of pity for her. She seemed pretty lost - but she seemed happy at least. I don't know if there's a happy medium between those two... let's just say that she seemed to live for the moment and liked to have a good time. And she OBVIOUSLY liked sex. She was hitting on me and dropping hints like a neutron bomb. I didn't really give into the hints or innuendoes... but I didn't deflect them either. I knew she was pretty wild - I knew I could probably have reached over and started making out with this girl right there in the fluorescent lit corner of Kinko's and sloppily made out with her until one of the guys behind the counter said "Um... excuse me you two! You can't do that here please OK? Excuse me! Hello!?" I knew she was the type that wouldn't say no to that and would probably have loved it. Damn this girl was OUT TO GET LAID!!! And she was damn aggressive! Damn aggressive! She was on a fucking mission and I know for a fact that it wasn't for GODDAMN SKITTLES!!! Was it for money? Was she gonna rob me? It was hard to tell actually... I didn't care! I was enjoying this nutball's company! She was cool! She was funny! She made me laugh! A lot! The crack heads in New York City are SNOBS! It felt good to talk to a crackhead with no attitude! I liked her! I liked this girl! I liked this crack head! I was having a good time! Take my money Breck, steal my credit card from the pay-computer-time slot that is directly to your left while I'm not looking Breck - see it right there Breck? It's right there... hel-LO! It would be SOOO easy Breck. What kind of crack head petty theif are you? Steal my rental car, have your pimp stab me with a shiv, hit me over the head and leave me for dead... just keep my lonely, road-weary soul entertained and laughing up till that point please. It feels too good. I love you crackhead Breck! Marry me and let's have crack babies!

At one point in our non-stop laugh fest I peaked over at one of the guys behind the counter. He was gawking at us with a "Oh look what she's doing NOW!" look on his face and as soon as he saw me looking he looked down and ran away and then I heard the other guy kind of laughing. Suddenly I got the impression that maybe this wasn't Breck's first time at Kinko's. Maybe she was a regular here. Maybe she was the town nut (Dallas is a pretty big town - I'm sure she was one of thousands of nuts). Maybe this is a regular thing she does. Maybe I'm her latest victim. Suddenly reality crept in a little bit. Oh well... I think it's time to go back to my lonely Motel 6 room and call it a night, or at least watch cable TV until 4 in the morning. I told Breck that I needed to go. This made her face go into this kind of cartoon-like sad face and she went "AAAwwww!!" Then she started making faces and hand gestures like a clawing cat and started going "Meeeeooooow! Mrrreeeoooowww!! Damn was this chick a kookball. I told her that I was staying at the Motel 6 right across the freeway for a few days and she could join me sometime for something... her response: "Mreeeooowww! Mrrreeoooww! Ftt! Ftt! Paw! Paw!" ...maybe a drink out or whatever some night? Hello? She was still in cat mode and I'm not sure she heard what I was saying. Suddenly I reached for my wallet and grabbed one of my business cards. She instantly popped right of cat mode (which was kind of starting to scare me) and chirped "How about tonight?!" "Sure" I inexplicably said as I handed her a card with my cell phone number and email address on it "I think I'm gonna turn in early tonight, but I may stay up late and watch TV!" Boy I really sound like a player right? She didn't really respond she just kept looking at my card with her mouth kind of wide open and stared and stared at the card like she was play acting a zombie trance... which it turned out she was doing. She mock snapped out of it and said "OK maybe I'll give you a call sometime! Cool! Cool! Cool!" she kept chirping as she bounced up and down in her chair while going "Cool!" each time... until she pretended to hurt herself and made a mock in-pain face and put one hand on her back, slumped sideways and said "Ooooowww! I hurt my bottom!" then her face lit up and she waved her head and hand back and forth and said "No! No! Hahahaha! I'm just kidding! Hahahaha!" Then she beemed "Bye MARK!"  with a huge gaping smile and a loud voice. I turned around and walked towards the exit. When I got to the door I turned around and looked back. There was Breck, still sitting at my computer console, still holding the card, watching me leave. I turned and waved and said "Bye!" and she waved back. The two guys behind the counter, who were also watching me leave, must have thought I was saying goodbye to them because they said "Bye!" What nice people.

I got into my car and drove throught the underpass accross the freeway and got to my Motel 6. I had had a nice time with Breck. It was funny. But she sent red flags up in my head too. About a trillion of them. You know I sometimes date guys who look like (or ARE) trouble - it turns me on. Was I turned on by Breck? Could I actually be attracted to her? Is it just that I'm kind of lonley and she kind of filled that void for a half hour? Is that a pudgy in my pants? I opened the door to my room and turned on the light and the TV. I brushed my teeth. I decided while taking my contacts out that I didn't want to see Breck, not tonight at least. I was actually really tired. I don't have the energy to hang out with a crazy kook tonight. What would we do anyway? Maybe I was scared of what would happen. I went to go lay on the bed and I fumbled all blurry-eyed for my glasses. I took off my clothes and sat on the bed. Put on my shorts. I got up to turn the fan off in the bathroom which was on. I wonder what Breck's story really is? I wonder what's on HBO tonight? I wonder if...

*breeeeep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep!!!*

It was my cell phone. I knew who it probably was but I thought for a second whether I should pick it up or not. Should I? Shouldn't I? Is it her? Is it someone else? Who would call this late? Would she call that fast? YES... she WOULD. Hmmmmm I guess I'll just blow her off or maybe I don't know I think I'll...

*beep* "Hello?"

"Hi? Is this Mark?"

"Yes... hi Br..."

"Hi! It's BRECK! WHAT'CHA DOIN'!?!?!"