My Ass
by Mark Allen
It's got round cheeks like fucking Leonardo daVinci paintings of angel cherubs... and a little tuft hair that I like to trim, not shave. The cheeks are so round because I jog regularly and do this reverse squatting thing at the gym. On the top where my cheeks meet my back are those two dimple things that look like marks left by an angel who grabbed it in Heaven right before I was sent down to Earth as a baby. Where the cheeks meet the top of my legs? It's a perfect curve with gorgeous smiling crease that is smiling because of what it is part of. If I lean on one leg while standing, the side of the cheek I'm leaning on dents in like a half of a luscious white tire. I have no tan lines. My hole is tight and pink and would look great in one of those close-up bright color photo porno box things. No... in a gold frame at The Metropolitan Museum of Art... no The Louvre! I have none of those Stalactite hemorrhoid things that skanky crystal addict hustlers have. My ass has so much proportional fortitude it would give Frank Lloyd Wright a fucking heart attack... in the grave! There is a 1,000 square kilometer Regal Zone around the vicinity of my ass at all times. Anything at all involving my ass requires lots of planning and showy traditional important stuff and people rehearsing and respect for importance and hushed sacred tones of speaking and things that are expensive and important and surrounded by a media circus and catering tents... like when the Queen gets married in England or a new President of the United States is sworn in.
When I take a shit out of my ass it looks like the birth of Jesus. And you know what? I keep my ass so clean it defies the very concept of nothingness. I clean it especially if I know I am going being in any kind of social situation... hell even if I'm just going to be alone with myself in a room! Why bother with anyone else? No one's as good as my ass. No one's good enough to share! NO ONE!!! And if you're one of the chosen few... be prepared to feel like you just took one hundred hits of crack while jumping into an active volcano - you'll have a HEART ATTACK! A HUNDRED HEART ATTACKS!!! You'll go insane from the experience and your children will be born dizzy and retarded!
It is so confident in it's fucking fine-ness, that even if my ass was a no-legged, leper paint huffer with scabies and AIDS and who ate raw miscarriages out of abortion clinic dumpsters you would still be all "...oh God that is so fucking beautiful! I'm gonna cry!"
If my ass had a look on it's face, it would be half-closed eyes and a kind of "...whatever" nonchalant glance because it knows how fine it looks and it can have anyone it wants at the party. Looking at my nude ass is like knowing the square root of a million squared times infinity. If I were alive in B.C. times Jesus would have dropped to his holy fucking knees and eaten my ass... so would Mother Mary and Joseph! it's that good. They even would have written about it in the Bible as a Holy event! My ass is sacred scripture... no... it's INEFFABLE!!! Why the whole B.C. to A.D. conversion is because of my ass! You know Eastern philosophy? All minimal and beautiful and tai chi and chai tea and empty space and meditation and "wing wong ching chong" eating one leaf with a prawn floating in water with chopsticks for dinner in the middle of a white rice paper room and stuff and infinite inner peace? That perfect culture is based on my ass. And both the modernism and post-modernism movements and every important cultural revolution before and after those too.
My ass is so fant-ASS-tic that did you know what words rhyme best with my ass? Class and sass! That's right! Uh-huh... see how I agree with myself? Know where I get that stellar confidence from? Having an ass this mind-blowingly amazing... that's fucking where. Are you good enough to even READ about my ass? I may burn your eyes out with a red hot poker the same way the ancient Egyptians did to slaves who painted hieroglyphics on the inside of royal tombs after they were done. Fuck, the pyramids were built for my ass and my ass alone a million years ago by the Egyptians who could see this far into the future and the birth of me and my ass! It's true! Do you know where U.F.O.'s come from? That's right! My ASS!!! God my ass is so great... and practical too!
My ass is observant and knows where everything is. You want to ask my ass for directions... ahhhh yes! Ask... but don't touch! When I heard about Mary Hart from Entertainment Tonight insuring her legs for one million dollars I laughed in the same way God laughs at an ant! Some wonder if God is shaped like a man or a woman... well God is shaped like neither... because he's shaped like MY ASS!!! If God was shaped... no WAS my ass... would that change anything? NO! So let's all celebrate! Hoo-ray! I'll make my ass in charge of organizing the party... because he's the best at making party! No... I said PARTY not POTTY you guttermind! Only a lowlife with a flat ass like yours could devise such a flat joke.
You know when you go to a class or family reunion or something where you wanna impress people you haven't seen for years? Well the next time I go to one of those I'm gonna wear ass-less pants and no underwear. I'm just gonna stroll around with a nonchalant, "...whatever." blank look on my face... my bare ass in everyone's face... forcing them to deal with the power and chaos that my ass imposes on their reality by merely existing. If there are any small kids there... well the sight of my ass will simply explode their bodies into an early puberty. Ever see a choir of boys singing in white robes with their mouths in that perfect "o" shape as they sound like angels? You know what that heavenly singing is about? My ass. Do you know why those young boy's mouths are in that shape? They are yearning to kiss my ass. God my ass is so fucking great. It should... no WILL be President... of the WORLD! THE UNIVERSE! In fact... it already is!!!
I get calls all the time from NASA because they are worried that if everyone in the entire world thinks of my ass at exactly the same time... then the universe will supernova... and trust me, this is prone to happening since so many people in the world are thinking about my amazingly unbelievable ass at all times. But I assure those terrified scientists that it will be okay... I tell them that even though every brain (animal and man) on Earth may be thinking of my ass at all times... there is one person who isn't, the one person who will prevent the massive six billion plus population from dissolving the universe itself into nothingness because of a massive mind meld as they all ponder the youthful curves of my amazing, amazing ass - that results in the End Of The Universe As We Know It. Who is that one person? That person is me. Yes... because I am so selfless to never think of my great, great ass and how unbelievably perfect it is... the scientists at NASA and the rest of the unaware of their impending doom planet population young and old... can rest assured. Thank God a selfless, selfless me never thinks of his own beyond perfect ass.
You're welcome universe.
