Oh but on the simple
surface, it was a grand golden age indeed
The recent past's
strife and conflict the King's advisors did supersede
Things were going
splendidly, at least so everyone thought!
The aristocracy and
the lowly peasants, now hardly ever fought
They were too wrapped
up in a delightful daily grind of something quite absurd;
It was a conveyor
belt of consumerism, in which their minds were blurred!
Expectation, consumption
and depletion of something that didn't even exist
A thrice daily placebo
such as this, was never ever ever dare missed!
Oh how the people did
love it, although they were eating just air!
They munched and slurped
and chewed, without a thought they did spare...
For a second... to
stop... and think, oh but they're happy - so who cares?
But! Something very
bad was brooding 'neath the surface... of which no one was aware!
Then one day the King
took his advisor, into his royal limousine
"I now must now go
down to my people... and survey the scene"
"Oh advisor, my Nothing
cake it fills me with much elation!"
"I know I'm obviously
brilliant... but I need some confirmation!"
They both went into
the town, the King was pleased at what he saw
His self congratulated
himself, oh how he laughed and guffawed
He pointed at the
unsuspecting, peasants, he really made quite a fuss!
"Oh I must say right
now, I do think I am very much a genius!"
But something caught
his eye - it was of little concern at first
Something about the
people's body weight... it seemed to have reversed
The townspeople now
seemed skinnier than ever before
The King thought to
himself: "I know my people used to weigh more!"
He turned and asked
his advisor "why what are the people eating? For vitamins and substance?"
"Why the nothing nothing
cake of course" he replied with pompous confidence
"I know" the King
spat "I mean in addition to that!"
"I don't know" was
the advisor's reply "...maybe some sod grass?"
"...Oh" said the King
pensively... but you see
He was starting to
notice... he felt a bit uneasy
"But who cares! Look
all around you King!" interrupted his advisor "Not a conflict or rebellion
in sight!
The nothing cake is
an opiate of the highest order! Are you not filled with delight?"
Then the King saw something
...laying down in the gutter of the lane
A small skinny body
in the dirty road... why did no one complain?
The sight of this
bothered him a little more - than it usually would have before
The King ordered his
limo to pull over to the side... to see what it was there for
He leaned out and asked
the smiling woman, who was tending by the corpse's side
"My dear woman, is
this person dead? I really must know!"
"Oh quite!" the woman
cheerfully quipped "I guess it was just her time to go!
The King stopped and
looked down at the body, it was skeletal and wasted away.
It looked like malnutrition
was the culprit! Eating nothing everyday!
The King said "I'm
sorry for the loss of your friend who's life has faltered."
The woman giggled
and said "Oh no your highness... she is my daughter!"
"My god woman are you
not upset?" said the King "Oh how can it be?"
The woman's face lit
up... and she told him with glee;
"She has been taken
into the arms of the nothing cake! Can't you see?"
Then she skipped away
and added "It's written in The Book! Page 703!"
"The Book!?!? What
is that!?" the King turned and snapped to his advisor with a puzzled look
"Oh that! It's a kind
of... uh... text... an inspirational tome, a simple guide book,
It turns the townspeople
into nothing nothing cake gluttons!
Me and my associates
wrote it... as per your instructions!"
"Ah... but your nothing
cake plan is flawless... It's your most amazing work to date!
as genius ideas go...
only a nothing cake your highness could create!
There are different
levels of intelligence... some empty heads need to be filled!
But some people they
just don't 'get it' - a certain 'nuance' if you will..."
The advisor continued:
"Ahhh look, you and us smart people know...
that in the ghetto
down below... the people are like dodos
We know their brains
are slow... what-to-do? Ah presto!
We whipped up this
very simple one million page manifesto!"
"Did you call me a
VERY SLIMY ONE MILLION POUND FATSO!?"
The King then erupted
- to which the advisor screamed "No!
Although it seemed...
I simply explained "a very simple one million page mani-fest-o"!
To which the King
regained his composure, calmed down and said "...Oh"
"Million page man-a-WHATS-so!?"
said the King after a pause.
"You mean to tell
me that the nothing cake - of which I deserve standing applause
But you're telling
me to get this fact through the townspeople's thick little noggins
The nothing nothing
cake, has a million paged book of instructions?"
"Oh yes!" the royal
advisor very confidently replied
It's a little thing
we worked on ...all the day and night
We constructed it
unawares, following the cake's riotous premiere
Of which, as you may
have figured out, we were very painfully unprepared"
"The book's design
is flawless! Every question one might have about the nothing cake ...and
it's reality
leads to another question
about the nature of the question of that nature and so on don't you see?
It's a Mobius strip
of questions and answers - like an endless Chinese puzzle
That's power to keep
one's mind of the real matter at hand... is evilly remarkable."
"Why yes your highness,
the book makes people see rainbows where there is shit,
It is a gobbledygook-filled
and relentlessly wordy mind opiate!
It even cruelly exploits
the feelings of 'faith' and 'hope'
Once you begin reading,
you're hooked... it's a slippery slope!"
"Any question that
cannot be explained, is simply chalked up to the fact that
The cake's infinite
wisdom... should not be questioned or retract
Because the person's
puny mind, is too small to see - the nothing cake's grand destiny
Then it usually instructs
the reader to have ten slices, for their blasphemy."
"It's an unbelievable
piece of crap - that fools you with dazzle and panache
Oh we're the only
ones who know - the book is total hogwash!
But it's power to
control them remarkable... why our genius is of immense size
I hope it wins me
...oops I mean YOU... the grand nobel prize!"
The King listened with
pensive apprehension ...adding to his advisor "Yes... indeed..."
But for the first
time in his life the King felt a slight twinge of moral unease,
The peasants were
happy and content and that he was growing richer because of it
But a set of machinations
had been set in motion, of which he felt he was the main culprit
The King stared and
stared and stared and stared, and stared and stared some more
For moments of self
doubt he was unprepared... he had never questioned himself before
What was wrong? his
head kind of hurt, his ample stomach did quite sink
Oh yes... that's it;
for the first time in his life... he was being forced... to think!
He couldn't help but
feel a certain guilt - that's power was hard to quell
"Oh well" he thought,
"on the negative there's no need to dwell!
I must not confuse
guilt with the blues... on this depression I must stomp!
I think I'll retire
to my palace, and summon my harem for a naughty romp!"
It had been a stressful
day, the King was in the mood for a naughty bender...
But as the limo rode
towards the castle, he turned and looked at his advisor
Out of the corner
of his eye... his royal highness spied something unordinary-y-y!
The King saw his advisor's
hand ... and he noticed it looked a little... bone-y-y-y.
The King arrived at
his palace, and quickly summoned three rotund hairy harem lasses
He smeared his commingling
layers of fat with lard - for the harem to massage with their asses...
In preparation for
yet another hot and gooey "hot buttered" four-gy!
And when the King
said "hot buttered", trust me - he meant literally!
He attached his fake
toe, taped up his face up, and installed his seventeen chin supporters...
Then after all that
preparation, when the girls finally did arrive... knocking at his quarters,
He gurgled and giggled
as he glazed and drizzled butter on his lard-y ass...
Then laid face down
on the bed naked, derriere sky-ward and said "Ah! My three fat ladies at
last!"
But when the King turned
around - his chin supporter snapped and his jaw hit the floor - he was
shocked and confounded!!!
There stood his pig-nosed
harem - each shrunk down! Each one merely ninety pounded!
Looking like svelte,
slim and sickly pipe cleaner sticks! What happened to his plump round harem
chicks?!
"My god women what
has happened?" he gasped "You used to be fat as candles, but now you are
merely but the wicks!"
"What happened to your
poundage you stick insect broads!?" demanded the King from his bed
You all look like
you've been scandalously and most unpleasantly underfed!"
"Why thanks to six
daily helpings of gorgonzola cheese,"
he said "a mere few
weeks ago you were rhinoceros-ees!"
"We've been turned
on to your Nothing Nothing Nothing Cake!" one said with an emaciated light-headed
glow
"We eat it morning
noon and night - and we've also been reading it's wonderful manifesto!"
"What?! Oh my god!
No! No! No! Have you dumb boobs gone completely insane!?
That Nothing Nothing
Nothing Cake is a scheme - it's designed to quell the townspeople's pains...
That mass-less pastry
is tomfoolery - why you've all turned to bones with no brains
That million page
nonsensical manuscript - is designed to make stupid people not complain!"
"I want you all fat
again - start eating your gorgonzola cheese every day
Why... oh it's horrid
- it's awful, just look at yourselves... ick! You're wasting away!
Now don't come back
to rub my ass until you each weigh thirty stone! Now GO!!!
and remember that
the Nothing Nothing Nothing Cake DOESN'T EXIST you skinny dumbos!"
But the skinny harem
girls just lowered their eyes to the floor, in a pious and condescending
way
Then they whispered
and gossiped amongst each other, quoting lines from the manifesto's page
"What are you whispering
about!?" snapped the King "Speak up! I will not be disobeyed!"
The girls simply looked
back at him and said "We pity you" - and then whisked themselves away...
"Wha...? Come back
here at once!" shouted the King "I command you to obey!"
Then he sat there
dumbfounded... speechless, he didn't know quite what to say
"I will not be ignored!"
he whispered... but the harem girls had gone... disappeared
This had never happened
before - his commands had not once fallen on deaf ears!
"My head has grown
weary... I need something to eat!"
I think I'll summon
my royal cooks to deep fry me a treat
In the back of his
fat little brain, he felt an apocalyptic sickness approaching...
But to distract himself
he spat out "I think I also want some fresh penguins for poaching!"
So he waddled off defeated
and with his ego - the malnourished harem had made him upset
"I know! I'll have
the royal cooks whip me up some pickled llama foie gras aspic crochets!
That will calm my
nerves... and it will make me feel more centered I bet!
Oh how I need something
to distract me from my ominous moral debts!"
But when the King got
off the escalator - he found that the kitchen doors had been locked shut!!!
Boarded up, padlocked,
painted over... "Oh my goodness NOW what is up?"
The King took his
fat fists - and tried to get the strength to pound on his brain
He was growing very
hungry "Has my entire castle gone completely insane?"
He wandered the court
- there seemed to be no one around
He searched high and
low, there was no one to be found!
Finally, in the castle's
library - he spied his faithful trusty advisor
Curled up, reading
a book... and looking as skinny as a miser
"My god man!" the King
sputtered as he shook and wallowed across the floor
"I'm so glad to have
found you! Where has everyone gone? God this place has become a bore
I've been high and
low and there is not a soul to found - I'm hungry and starting to feel
unwell...
And my harem looks
like skeletons! I think they may have fallen under the nothing cake's spell!"
"Why the kitchen is
boarded up - the royal chefs have gone on permanent vacation!
Oh I'll wring their
necks when I find them! I've never known such frustration!
I order you to go
down to the kitchen and fix me something before my stomach starts to tighten
Oh... how about a
durian fruit and pork frappe, or some other delicious grand taste sensation?!"
The royal advisor looked
up from his book, his face - had a shallow gait
The King noticed his
body was withered, and it had no weight
The advisor simply
stood up, pointed his boney finger at the king like a withered dead tree
and before he dropped
to the floor, he whispered "BLASPHEMY!"
The King ran to his
side, and checked for a pulse - there was none!
The King's associate
was dead... he was gone! "This is not at all fun!
"Oh my God! What is
happening!? You seem to have expired like the others... from malnutrishing!
Oh I... I don't like
this at all! What will I do? What have I done? Who will now do my bidding?"
The king then spied
a book next to him on the floor - he tried to make out the book's sleeve
When he made out the
title - he didn't need to know more - what he saw he did not believe
His skinny eyebrows
raised, he squinted a little... "Oh is that the nothing cake manifesto
I see?"
He picked it up and
turned it's pages - with his opposable piggy thumbs
He finally was forced
to feed on - the nothing cake's set of instructions!
Some deceptive, flippant,
nonexistent dessert - that he had demanded on a whim
Now had a complicated
guide book - that's pages equaled a mind-whopping 1,000,000,000!
It's logic worked on
a loop... of contrition and reward, it warmed your heart and simultaneously
chilled you to the bone
It's words catered
to what you feared, your trepidation, need for confirmation and suspicion
of the unknown
It prayed on people's
sense of hope and craving for order - was a sinisterly clever little
skunk of a book
One foot into it's
catchy logistical traps and you were snared - you were undeniably hooked!
The process of wanting,
eating, and disposing of the nothing cake was what it was about
And the more and more
you read it - the more and more you wanted to spout
To all those around
you... about the nothing cake and all it's answers
And it labeled those
who questioned the it's power - as society's cancer
He was amazed at how
the book made such sense of what was obviously nuts!
It made the cake seem
infinitely wise, thoughtful, and delicious...
He knew it was all
a lie... a farce... down deep in his clogged little gut
Then the King looked
up, whispered the word "no" ...and slammed the book shut
"I must put an end
to this travesty, the way everyone's mind has been fogged
I must find a scapegoat
to blame, someone to take into the town to be flogged!
My robust frame is
not made for scapegoating - I'm royalty after all
Now who in my court
can I blame, who has a poker face? Someone to take the fall?"
He dashed round the
halls of what appeared to be an empty castle
This much walking
for the king was really quite a hassle
All that he had endured
had filled him with exasperation
his jiggly frame bouncing
from wall to wall in sweaty, desperation
"Hello! Yoo-hoo! I
have something to correct! Does anyone care? Is anyone there?
Oh and also while
you're at it... does anyone have some food to spare?
I'll give up my throne!
I don't care any more... someone throw me a bone
Oh god this is worse
than I thought! I don't want to be alone!"
But what the King spied
littering the floor from hall to hall... made him finally loose his
breath
Was the skinny, smiling
corpse of every royal court member, clasping the manifesto in a last grip
of death
His panic turned to
terror... for the first time the King's hope was completely bereft
A nauseating thought
appeared deep in his gut; might he be the last person left?
The King ran from the
castle in a panic - and down into the people's town
his pick-stick legs...
beneath his ample body - made quite an odd little sound
"Oh... oh it's your
beloved King! Someone please! Is anyone around?
But streets piled
with anorexic corpses... was all that he unfortunately found!
"Oh hello hello?!"
the King plead while stepping over bodies in exasperated breaths
The King had relied
on others all his life... but he was really trying his best
"Is anyone here?...
it's time for me to be changed! it's time for me to be fed
I know I dine on delicacies...
but... uh, I may like some nothing cake instead!"
But all that met his
pleas... were smiling dead bodies, clogging the street drain pipes
In each one's hands
was the nothing cake manifesto - which they seemed to clutch for dear life
You would think rats
would start feeding on the expired... but the rats had all gone home
After all... a rat
needs real sustenance! It can't live on just skin and bones!
"Oh boo hoo! This is
a calamity, a cataclysm, a catastrophe, a tragedy
A disaster of epic
and apocalyptic proportion that can't be all because of me!
Oh this is all causing
so much stress and migraine-y frustration
I want to escape this
horrible situation without any hesitation!"
The King his head did
spin, as he contemplated sin... and the depths of his soul let out a rattled
gasp
The fact that he'd
had nothing nothing nothing to sustain his hunger, had caught up with him
at last
He realized he was
alone! He reached one frail hand out, put the other to his clammy cheek
His eyes popped out
a bit... like like grapes, his knees? They felt oh so very weak
Then every cell in
the King's body, as if hearing the work day's end bell - succumbed to total
acquiesce
It shrugged it's shoulders,
sighed, gave up... as if to say "Oh well!" - and give the final solution
a test!
Quickly his body,
soul and mind dropped to their knees (his crown made an unremarkable plop
in the mud)
His tremendous torso
then fell and followed suit... (with all the fatty padding, it made a loud,
dull thud)
His head was sideways
in the dirt - as the horizon was aligning itself, with the setting sun
As the King's greasy,
exhausted face was resigning itself... to the strange fact that he hadn't
won
He did convince his
mind ...in his last moments alive - that after all he was trying to help...
and that his interest
in the cake ...oh I know it's contrived - was for everyone but himself
With his complex ego,
now reconfigured to disguise itself as benefacting others
The last human soul
on Earth was now a snack for mice, roaches and buzzards
The universe has always
known the meaty truth... that mankind was an eventual goner...
Hey, is that a hungry
rat over there I see... poking it's waiting head around the corner?
So in self-delusion,
he felt satisfied... and with that, could finally let go
His fat heart began
to flutter... his phlegmy breathing began to slow
This last man ever,
saw a glowing, tunnel-like of closure... why isn't it a bummer?
By it's very nature,
his jerk's brain was designed... to help promote a final restful slumber!
Designed to create
then destroy him... man's ego with it's final strange attractor now acquired
(A strange attractor
that by it's very essence was designed to naturally backfire)
With one last exhale
of molecules... to simple red meat his regal body had now re-wired
And with that, the
King's thought of himself, the last trace of mankind in the universe...
simply... expired.
Copyright 2003 Mark Allen
THE END