I knew he was trouble as soon as I took the phone call from him to set up the massage appointment 6 days earlier. Not the sexual innuendo trouble that people think legit massage therapists get (which I rarely have to deal with).  This was trouble of another kind. No... not trouble that I would not be able to handle. This was the indefinable but identifiable trouble that some people are just by their very nature. Not trouble with a purpose, outcome or silver lining - just trouble. Like a fly buzzing around your head.
    So at 7PM on the scheduled night I sat in my apartment, awaiting the arrival of trouble. Sitting like I always do. Everything ready to go, everything in it's place. Why are they always a few minutes late? Trouble, trouble... where are you and why are you late?
    I had been a little preoccupied the last few days, and I was in a kind of simultaneous happy/sad mood. I had been planning an all-over-the USA-with-no-plans month-long road trip for about a month and a half, and my planned date of departure was less than four days away. I had foggy plans to visit Columbine High School in Colorado and the Soundgarden sculpture garden in Seattle as well as the legendary American Indian lore white buffalo that Domenic was finding out where it was because he was the one who told me about it. Trucker John was going to give me this long list of wacko truck stops and weird little towns full of freaks that I had to visit. My cam viewers had sent in a lot of great suggestions. I was going to get to see Bryan. I had also contacted people I would be visiting in New Mexico, Los Angeles and Chapel Hill, I was excited... and was only four days away from leaving. Only four more massages to go.
    I had saved up all the money I needed for the trip in less than a month (which amazed me), I had made all arrangements with work and my apartment for while I was gone, I had dreamed and dreamed and dreamed about the trip... and then daydreamed and fantasized. I was REALLY looking forward to getting away. There was one aspect of my trip that was stubbornly refusing to pan out, even now a mere few days before I was supposed to leave. The CAR situation.
    I had taken it for granted that I would easily be able to find a way to rent a car without a credit card or checking account (all due to my pretty bad credit - bad credit due to the fact that I had led my life for the last five years basically as a gypsy). I kept thinking I would be able to find a way to use a friend's credit card, use my debit card, use cash, maybe find a friend to rent it for me, steal one... whatever it took. I was SURE something would work out... and I was too busy planning the other aspects of my trip and dealing with life in general to put too much time into it.
    I had finally settled on using a debit card to rent a car. Oh yea... by the way... I hadn't used my checking account in over a year and I wasn't sure if my old debit card even worked anymore. I kept forgetting to go down to my old bank and straighten this out.
    Did you know you can't open a new checking account if you have bad credit? It's true - believe it or not - for most banks. Since I had been living on cash for the last few years I had let my checking account kind of ...go. Go to the point where when I went to the bank a year after not being there to see what was up, they told me that it had been closed six months ago (with a negative $6.47 balance). I would just have to start all over again and open a brand new account - something they told me would be no problem at all since I had a past with them.
    No problem! I walked over to one of the desks and the bank lady was happy to help me as soon as I pulled out proof of address, passport, drivers license and a giant wad of cash. After the usual round of questions she said "Oops!" and pointed to a red flashing thing on her computer screen.
    "Do you have any bad marks on your credit report?" she asked me politely through her thick glasses.
    "Yes. I have a few... but nothing terrible. Oh wait... I have one collection agency that has been calling me but I haven't done anything about it. It's for a small amount... well I haven't paid it because it's kind of big I guess and I just can't afford to deal with it right now but I will..." and on and on I went in that tone of voice that people do when they are explaining why they aren't paying what they owe and how they really aren't to blame and how they've heard that creditors "eventually stop calling" if it's for not a large amount. I forgot I wasn't at the Fat Cock and that I was talking to a bank lady.
    "Well I'm sorry Mr. Allen. I cannot open a new checking account for you until you clear your credit. We run all new applications through something called CHEX SYSTEMS and if it comes up saying you have bad marks on your credit we cannot open a new account for you."
    "Oh. But what does having a checking account have to do with credit? It's not like I'm borrowing money. I just need a debit card to access the money I have in my account."
   "Sorry sir. You need to get your credit cleared before you can get a checking account or a debit card. I can give you a list of banks that might not run you through CHEX SYSTEMS and can open a new account for you."
    "OK."
    So I took that list and went from bank to bank. They ALL run you through CHEX SYSTEMS. Even the scuzzy ones. OK Mark... don't panic... you've figured your way out of worse. Just find a way to rent a car without a debit card. There's got to be a way.
    There wasn't. Well... sort of.
    A cash deposit required a two way plane ticket  to and from wherever you were renting the car from and proof that you worked at some major corporation that they could garnish wages from if you damaged the car. I work for myself and am a total free agent. Free agent = no rent car. Having a friend rent it for me wasn't an option since just in case something happened on the road - a cop would check the papers of the car and wonder who I was and throw me in the slammer for car theft. I've been in little jails in little towns before - it's fun the first time only. No no that won't do (even though I had friends willing to do this for me - my friends are so CRAZY!)
    I guess I will have to go with option C. Have a friend with a credit card and a drivers license rent the car and I sign on as an OFFICIAL second driver (hey I don't need a credit card for this!) This will almost double my cost for renting the car but I can afford it. One person I had in mind to do this for me was more than happy to do it but they didn't realize they needed a license (which they didn't have). Everyone I asked was willing to do it but there was always some weird problem. Their credit card was maxed out. Oops... they didn't realize their license was expired. They had an incredibly black mass of negative surrounding their personality and even though they agreed to it I just couldn't say yes out of fear of what might happen to me if I plugged into that black energy. Oh well.. I have a lot of friends... I'm sure something will pan out in a few days...
    Geeezzz... oh well.
    *Sigh* - how did I get like this? this should be so easy. I have money to burn and a license... I'm not a criminal... I shouldn't have to scramble around like this just to rent a stupid car. Why oh why can't life be perfect? Why me? I just thank my lucky stars that...

    *B-R-R-A-A-A-Z-Z-Z-G-G-G-H-H-H-B-B-B-T-T-T!!!!!*

    ...went my door buzzer. I jumped slightly and jarred myself out of feeling sorry for myself because trouble had arrived for his massage. I walked towards the door like a zombie robot and buzzed him in... then leaned pensively on the door waiting for him to walk up to my apartment.  "What if I bought a car?" I pondered as I bit my lip.
    Sure enough, Trouble tap-tap clomp-thudded on the door like a wet fish right behind my head. I turned around and opened the door. "Hi.." I said as I put on my best learned-from-growing-up-in-Texas fake smile and stuck out my hand to greet him. "Uh... oh. Wait a second... don't I know you?" I said as I looked into his beady eyes.
    I sure did.

*NOTE: Due to the bizarro, fateful events of September 11th right outside my window affecting moods in general, my general busy/then lazy/busy/then lazy life, and the fact that it took me so long to finish the story that the departure date is merely a week away now... I am going to finish this story in a very FAST way. Some sections will just be written in quick stream-of-consciousness fractured sentences... like taking quick notes - other parts that I feel like expounding upon will become tediously long and detailed. Enjoy!

I knew the guy, he was I client I massaged once a long time ago that I didn't really like.

He asked a lot of questions about me, I felt I was under interrogation, he seemed to want to collect as much information from me as possible. He (like a lot of people who want to meet me through my website) seemed absurdly obsessed with my flaws. He wouldn't shut up with endless questions...I felt like I was under interrogation!

I was in a mood. A real bullshit-less mood. They are rare, and I only get in this mood about two or three times a year, but when I do - it's very SAD. I turn into a zombie and horrible, horrible things come out of my mouth.

While I was massaging him I was thinking like "If I could sum up how I feel in a song right now...it would sound something like this..." and I proceeded to sing this song with dippy lyrics (in my head as I'm massaging this guy):

Oh why me... why oh why me
Why did everything turn out the way it did?
Am I supposed to have 5 years of happiness and then 5 of misery? 5 years of white goodness then 5 of black rancid evil...la la la...
It's so black and white - like one of those cookies...that you can buy in a New York deli...that evil New York that caused all this happiness and then misery in my life it tricked me la la la... New York tricked me such an evil bitch goddess I hate you so much...oh it's not your fault who am I kidding la la la..
Did my angel go on vacation?
La la la...
Where is my angel? Was she laid off?
Why is the universe so bittersweet?
Is God laughing at me?
All the mistakes I've made in my life is because I have been tricked into doing them by evil forces...
OK OK I know that's not true... why can we always find it easy to blame other things rather than ourselves..
La la la la la
Why oh why... la la la ...
I am a product of the decisions I've made in my life... but the universe tricked me into making the bad ones
OK that's not true
Oh who can I blame? La la la who can I blame?
How about this jerk I'm massaging? Did the universe send him to torment me?
Oh la la la why is the universe tormenting me?
Why can't I escape New York? So cruel so cruel and...
I'm so innocent and not to blame - it's not really true OK but it feels good to wallow in mi-ser-eeeeee-e-e-e-e...
Oh I'm so sad so sad so sad...
La la la...
Oh this guy's feet kind of smell...oh this is so sad so sad...
La la la...
It's a good thing I don't believe in suicide...
La la la...

In my head it sounded very Bjork-like. Oh boy was it sad/funny.

When he was leaving he turned around and knocked over my Japanese Ultra Man spinning alarm clock. The arm was cracked and bent back. I was really upset. I bought this alarm clock when I was in Japan, and even though it was only about 40,000 yen, it was purchased at probably the apex of my fantastic happiness that I experienced in my first 6 years living in New York. It represented that ecstatic unbelievable nirvana that I couldn't believe I was experience at the time. A time when I was being flown around the world and making gobs and gobs of money and was kind-of locally famous and could have anything and anyone I wanted and people I never even met respected and looked up to me and my world was truly a playground and I was on fire burning bright white and every time I looked at myself in the mirror I was in love. Wow that was so GREAT!!! Now that time is long passed. Now the object that represents that time is broken (how fragile it was!) This talisman of my past glories has become a cracked piece of faded plastic that doesn't spin around and say "I am Ultra Man yes I am Ultra Man!" in Japanese anymore. This demon of a massage client broke it! I curse on him! He BROKE it!!!!! He BROKE it and showed me how fragile and pointless it was!!!!!

HE BROKE MY PLASTIC JAPANESE MENAGERIE!!!

I told him it was OK even though I wanted to cut out his eyeballs and seal them in liquid plastic (a paperweight!) and began scooting him out. What a maroon! Despite the fact that he had just damaged something of mine, the endless questions kept pumping out of him like turds out of a German shepherd who ate a box of Ex-Lax. Here's just ONE lovely example:

"What's that scar on your back? Oh you had testicular cancer? Oh really? When? Uh-huh. Oh my I'm sorry...uh huh so sad...uhhh... ummmm uh-huh... soooo... does this mean you are HIV positive Mark Allen? Oh I'm sorry am I being rude? I hope you don't mind me asking I'm just the inquisitive type. I like pushing people's buttons! It's a hard job being fabulous but somebody's got to do it!!! Hahaha! Do you have any pet's Mark Allen? No? Mmmmm...hmmmm... and why not? Oh sorry there I go again! P.P.B.! Pushing people's buttons! I hope you don't think I'm rude? Oh shut up [says his name in third person]! Shut up! Hahahaha!! So are you HIV positive Mark Allen? Oh I'm sorry there I go again! Soooo... are you?"

FACT: "I like pushing people's buttons" is the calling card of an moron. But oh well... ignorance is bliss.

I truly believe the ultimate dis is to ignore someone. Since I couldn't ignore this can of sardines, I would have to resort to plan B. In a moment of (I-don't-know-what) I decided the best way to deal with him was to fill him with as much FALSE INFORMATION as possible. It was the best way to mock him, without him being able to pinpoint exactly that I was mocking him.
    I told him that my parents were from Russia and I was of Russian dissent, my real last name was Bellanoff. My parents disappeared a few years ago in a mysterious boat show accident in Switzerland. I have one sister named Frank, yes Frank, who lives in Illinois.  Last year she was caught and convicted (to 5-10 in the state pen) for breeding pit bulls trained to kill (and even piranhas!) - no it's true! She's even on an episode of COPS! She killed a Kentucky Fried Chicken night security guard with dogs and fish! It was just horrible.
    I took my parent's disappearance very hard and decided to move to New York to become a bioweapons research scientist but since I couldn't afford the schooling I went crazy and went to the nearest building I could find - it happened to be the Roxy - and I attacked a bunch of people like a raving loon and two of those people were Marc Berkley and Bruce Weber respectively and they were both so impressed with my chutzpah (read: insanity) that that's how I got my start in nightclub stuff and modeling, after I served time for the attack.
    After my courageous battle with cancer I developed a bipolar condition that causes manic mood swings and fits of hallucinations and I am on lithium at this very moment (when he asked 'You seem so crazy! Are you crazy? Your friends on your website are so crazy! Are you all insane?').  Pets? Well I used to have this tank of piranhas but the FBI confiscated it. I had a dog for a while but it was in a fire accident when I was trying to juggle it through a fire hoop in an audition for David Letterman's "Stupid Pet Tricks" and the woman upstairs is watching it for me and it has no legs now. No not the dog, the woman... the dog is just blind and earless. Would you like to meet them both? She is heir to the St. Ives Laboratory beauty product line - oh wait, no... granola bars. DuPont brand granola bars.
    And this was only a sample. I said all this with a completely straight face due to my somber mood. It's easy! His response was a kind of weird shifting back and forth between fascination and dis-trust.
    I also gave him an earnestly quizzical look when he kept asking me about HIV. I finally asked him what HIV was and told him I had never heard of AIDS and was surprised since I watch 20/20 every week. This was when he said something like "Have I done something to offend you Mark Allen?"
    "AIDS huh? That'll show those stupid niggers and spics!!! Let'em all die!" I interrupted.
    His response was something like "  ".

Mission accomplished. He shut up.

And HOW it shut him up! He left in a kind of walking underwater slow motion stupor (and gave me a huge tip! remarkable!) without saying another word. It was quite fascinating! A really meaty example of human frailty and confusion. It was a bright and shining example of awkwardness and if I'd a had a video camera I would have recorded his exit from my apartment and entered it as a comedy short at Cannes! It was THAT good! Wow... I'll never forget it.

He was gone... and I was halfway through my metaphysical visit by angels of mercy.

I sat in my living room. Ugh... I stared down at my unfixable plastic Japanese alarm clock. I tested it out. Yep. It's busted. What a fucking ass. Oh well... it wasn't his fault. Whatever... life moves forward.

I started to think about the word "fault"...

I thought about how the last five years of my life had been a sad joke. The joke was one of my own making - by making bad choices and choosing bad people to associate with I had bided time while trying to re-create a party that was long over  - I was clinging to wreckage here in NYC, the wreckage of a time that was long gone (the theme song for these last five years of my life? Curtis Mayfield's 'Move On Up' - played backwards and upside down). This last five years was perfectly represented here by this 40,000 yen piece of Japanese toy engineering. All cracked and busted. How fragile it was! How pointless! How LAME it looked. It was time for a change and time to move on.. It was time to start thinking REALISTICALLY about things.

I couldn't wait for my trip... although if I took the near $4000 (in a little over a month - that's AFTER rent and bills - NOT BAD!) I had saved for my trip and put it towards my debt - maybe I could begin to find my way out of the traps that had lead to my current situation (not being able to rent a car). It would be the right thing to do. No... NO! No way! I had been looking forward to this trip for too long... I...

*clickity-click!* *open!* *slam!* *swoosh-swoosh!*

Domenic walked in. His rave pants swoosh-swoosh-ing "Is your precious Japanese clock broken Mr. Allen?" he said in his usual tone, "Oh I'm soooo sorry."

"Yes" I said quietly, still looking at the clock.

"Can you fly to Japan and buy another one?" Domenic chirped earnestly.

"No" I said quietly to myself.

I started thinking about how I'm leaving on this trip and about to spend gobs of cash - with a lot of debt still piled up and a kind-of getting-worse credit problem and I'm really not even sure I am going to be able to get a car to go on the trip yet.

Suddenly... I looked up from the cracked plastic clock. I was distracted by a wad of cash in my face. Domenic handed me his share of the rent (which I had paid the week before). "Now Mr. Allen, you aren't going to leave on your trip and blow all your money without paying some of your debt?" he said to me as he handed me the loot.

This was ...weird coming from Domenic's mouth. Domenic and I get along very well as roommates and kind-of friends. But we tend to stay out of each other's business. He would normally NEVER say something like that. Let alone even be aware of it.

"Wha... what makes you say that?" I said all saucer-eyed and slack jawed.

"Oh I don't know. I just felt like it. Are you in debt? I don't know why I said it actually." Domenic shrugged, "Did you eat all my Chips Ahoy Soft-Baked Cookies?" he casually added while walking to the kitchen.

Call it intuition, drug residue in the brain, vibes, fear, hormones out of whack... whatever you will. I could TASTE the bizarre vibes in the air. Something... something good was trying to send me a message. Devils (angels?) were visiting me in the form of massage clients and were smashing my out-dated view of my situation and opening my eyes to the wide possibilities of what the future could hold... and angels (devils?) were channeling through my roommate and giving me specific instructions on what was one of the first, best, most constructive things I could do to move FORWARD into the future rather than AWAY from it. Did that make sense? It doesn't matter, it was crystal clear at the time.

Did Domenic just happen to utter that? He didn't know I had debt. Was he channeling something? The victim of temporary possession? I'll never know... but it was WEIRD. But weird in a good way... like a secret angel behind you stroking your hair while you sleep.

Long story short: the next morning (knowing I wouldn't be able to get a car in time for the trip), I used all the cash for my trip and ran around town and paid off some of the things I owe money too (one big one in it's entirety), simply pushed my trip back one month, set the goal of earning enough money for the trip ALL OVER AGAIN in one month (hey - earning that amount, after bills and expenses, in just one month - even though it was back-breaking - is pretty good! If I did it once I can do it again! Sorry to bring it up I'm just so happy with myself) and just simply resigned myself to going away one month later than expected.
    If someone had told me weeks ago that, a few days before I was supposed to leave on my road trip, I would decide to use the money I had saved (slaved!) for it to pay off my debts and postpone the trip for a month and go through the whole process all over again, I would have exploded in a conniption fit of rage.

The weird thing... I feel totally opposite. I am very CALM about the whole decision. I feel FOCUSED in the goal and this weird kind of contentment that comes from having the ability to do what you know is right.

Becoming a massage therapist and working for myself is one of the smartest decisions I have ever made in (the last five years of) my life. It has allowed me one of the most important elements in attaining (near) happiness; it has allowed me CONTROL more than ever before.

When we ARE NOT in control, we make bad decisions out of desperation and then suffer from those decisions - a situation which tends to loop around itself. When we ARE in control, we are clear-headed enough to make smart decisions, and these decisions have their obvious results - again - a situation which tends to loop around itself.

I'm happy I have put my trip off for one month. I feel no regret about post-poning it. All it took was a creep breaking my 30,000 yen Ultra Man Japanese alarm clock, a temporary possession by my roommate Domenic, an ability by me to read those events as signals, and a willingness by me to trust my intuitions...

And considering the APOCALYPTICALY TRAGIC and HISTORIC events that occurred in NYC on September 11th, I have to admit I'm a little morbidly obese, I mean... morbidly glad that I was here to witness it. Really! I saw it all (well most of it). Also... could you imagine traveling around the USA "to see America" while that was just happening? It would be pretty grim. Not that it's still not over... whatever. It is what it is. I can't wait for my trip.

Epilogue: GOOD NEWS: Got the letter in the mail today (9/29/01)! I have officially been scanned, prodded and now officially and certifiably insane... wait, no... APPROVED for one of those cheesy secured credit cards (I AM one of those people on the phone on those late night commercials 'I'm approved!!!') which I have already checked with the rental car place and yes they DO accept that card and when would I like to reserve the car no doubt and EVERYTHING IS SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS AND SWEETNESS AND LIGHT. May the fucking gates of Heaven open up and the throngs of blond angels spew forth. THE TRIP IS ON!!!