1. New disability interview - Derek Douglas
I've interviewed another person with a physical disability. His name is Derek Douglas, and he graciously offered to answer any question I could think to ask. Derek lost his right hand and most of his forearm in an accident. Go here to read the interview.
Thanks Derek!
2. The Racially
Profiled Mugshot of Dorian Grey
Worried
about your own potential for terrorism in America's airports and subways?
Sooth your orange-level jitters at FaceAnalyzer.com,
an online face photo analysis service that not only racially profiles you
before you get a chance to get hassled by bored, underpaid security personnel
at LaGuardia, but also decides what gender you are (in case you're confused),
rates your "gay factor," lets you know how well you get along with "Boss
Types" and "Drifter Types" and "Academics" (all three of which could easily
be pipe bomb makers), and lets you know if you suffer from any personality
disorders or rage problems.
Submit a clear face photo (you ham!), and then you're ready for scrutiny!
Oh yea, you have to register at the non-secured site first. Anyway, the
binary panel not only judges you like the book cover you obviously are,
but it also matches you up to other terrorist cells... oops, I mean "friend
groups" so you can hook up with like-minded, free-floating agents who can
equally fool security devices. You can all then get together for an explosive
night in the city and paint the town red!
So take your best surveillance camera-ready, racially-neutral face shot
over to FaceAnalyzer.com, where
the terrorist threat color code is always a pastoral shade of green, and
your mug shot can be cast in a permanent tint of (Dorian) gray...
I did a little experiment at FaceAnalyzer.com, I submitted two photos of
myself from two different periods of my life... what did FaceAnalyzer.com
have to say about the two "different" "me's"? Read on...
The first photo (below) is my old Plano, Texas high school senior yearbook
photo, which shows me in full repressed, Southern Baptist Stepford Teen-mode
- where I did nothing but study, go to church, live in a deep, deep shell
and figure out ways to keep the real me hidden from the real world better
than even Bin Laden does now. Ahh youth - the best years of my life!
FaceAnalyzer says:
- I am 88% South East Asian race
- My gender is male
- Intelligence: 6.9, Risk: 4.6, Ambition:
6.0, Gay Factor: 1.3, Honor: 4.5, Promiscuity: 1.7.
- I don't get along with "Boss Types"
or "Gambler Types" but do get chummy with "Blue Collar" and "White Collar"
types. "Gambler Types" see me as a fool and "Drifter Types" relate to my
relaxed nature. The style of dress I am most likely to adopt is "Goth"
and my best choice of profession is "Chef," "Cashier" or "Unskilled Laborer."
I like to use drugs and my emotions fluctuate fairly often, resulting in
"incredible highs" and "devastating lows."
- My "celebrity match" is Conan O'Brian.
The second photo (below), taken many years later on a drug-fueled night
at Manhattan's The Cock, some time in the late 90's, shows me and my friend
Ricardo high as satellites at 6AM on crystal meth, dancing to blaring Sylvester
tunes and trying to start a fashion trend by wearing shirts that we stole
earlier from a dead body stretched over our shoulders, right before we
retired to the club's back room where we participated in some quadruple
fisting and then ritualistically sacrificed a human baby that some Satanist
smuggled into the club. A typical night.
FaceAnalyzer says:
- I am 81% Korean/Japanese and 19% South
East Asian race
- My gender is female
- Intelligence: 6.4, Risk: 4.0, Ambition:
9.1, Gay Factor: 0.5, Honor: 1.4, Promiscuity: 9.0.
- I feel that "Boss Types" are bullies,
and that they have "no pity" for me. I feel that "Charmer Types" and "Gambler
Types" are stuck up, but I "act fake around them" because I see them as
"verbal abusers" and "barbaric." I tend to associate with lazy types who
are "undriven and low." I "must know everything that is going on" in my
social circle and "spend a lot of time talking to others to find out the
latest gossip." People generally do not trust me and I have a habit of
attacking people that "I feel think too highly of themselves." The style
that I am most likely to adopt is "conservative/preppy" and my best choice
of profession is "Sales Representative," "Aesthetician" or "Hair Stylist."
I should not use drugs.
- My "celebrity match" is Jennifer Lopez.
But the question remains... which one of
me is more likely to blow up a plane? Vive le difference!
(thanks to reader Joel
who turned me onto this!)
3. "He felt that
I was speaking directly to him. He thought that all of the songs were talking
to him, that I was playing them just for him."
My fellow citizens and those of you who may be radio DJs, consider this
a public service message in the interest of your well-being. After fellow
WFMU DJ Pseu
Braun's recent write-up on "DJs gone bad," I've decided to turn my
attention to the offense end of the dark court where the DJ/listener relationship
lobs (wilts?) back and forth... that lithium-dulled elephant in the studio
(on hold just for you at the request line): the "listener gone bad." Let's
face it: to a sanity-challenged, occasionally violent, needy warp-job of
a human, radio DJs (so easily obtainable with the flick of a knob) are
virtually like fish in a barrel.
A typical DJs face-less, booming, God-like voice is like a wet palette
(or a cutting board) for any wrong person's free-floating delusions - an
invisible neurosis-magnet if you will. Just Google "stalk murder DJ radio
host" and you'll find a veritable shooting gallery of famously tragic cases
from all over the globe. And it's a shame indeed.
However, in my research for this post, I did notice one key factor in the
survive-ability of stalked DJs: the ones who made the biggest extroverted
drama-queen scream-y fit over their ordeal, from the very beginning, are
the ones who are still alive. So DJs, next time you get an email from a
listener that seems a tad too informed of your private life, or a phone
call from a song-requester that's a little "odd"... don't shrink like a
wallflower! Go seizure-fit ape-shit right there and then! Point your finger
and screech like Donald Sutherland at the end of the re-make of "Invasion
of the Body Snatchers!" Yell "ST-ST-STA-STALKER!" dramatically into
the phone or at the computer screen that holds the sinister email! Let
EVERYONE see you! Point out that listener's suspicious and inappropriate
attention without a moment's hesitation! Do not give that potential stalker
even a micro-second to start creeping you out... you need to completely
crack-out and over-spazz from second one! If you're live on the air, even
better! You just go downright banana peel-smoking, speed-monkey, shout-y
crackers! Interrupt the music right in studio, live on the air, and yelp
in tear-gulping terror at the top of your lungs just like Adrienne Barbeau
in "The Fog" "AHHHH!! STAY AWAY FROM THE FOG!! I'M BEING STALKED!! AAAGGGHHH!!"
Do not give a moment's consideration to how foolish or delusional you might
seem yourself... it could be the most humiliating, but smartest, thing
you ever do!
Some cases in point:
One of the most famous and tragic cases of radio host stalking is the one
of controversial and legendary radio personality Alan
Berg. On June 18th, 1984, DJ Alan Berg (then of KOA-AM Denver) was
gunned down in the driveway of his home by a member of a white supremacist
group as a result of his outrageous and popular show, and the views he
expressed on the air. Berg had received threats before the shooting occured.
Berg's case was, of course, the loosely-based subject of the 1988 Eric
Bogosian film "Talk Radio."
DJ Bob Cooke,
of Tuscon, Arizona's KWFM-FM, was killed by a deranged fan (whom had been
sending Cooke threats) in August of 1982. The murder occured in the barren,
late-night parking lot of a nightclub where he had just done a live broadcast.
Program director and host of a political radio program in Surat Thani,
Thailand, Witayudh
Saengsopit (2nd item on link), was murdered by gunmen on his way into
the station's building to host a show in April of 2001. Saengsopit was
actually under police protection after finding a grenade placed under the
gate to his office.
The host of "Total Information A.M." (at St. Louis' KMOX-AM), Nan
Wyatt, was shot inside her home in February of 2003 by an obsessive
fan who was obviously not a morning person, and was later revealed to actually
be her husband (does that still count as an obsessive, deranged listener?)
Of course, besides crazed listeners and obsessive fans, sometimes DJs turn
on each other, a Hell from which there is probably no advice I can give
towards you escaping:
In September of 2001, Miami's popular 104.7-FM hip-hop DJ, Al
Moss, was shot to death upon answering the door to his home. The gunmen
were actually striking the final blow in an ongoing dispute over airspace
involving a different local pirate radio station (Moss lived on the pirate
station's premises) and inadvertently shot Moss thinking he was someone
else (but don't get your hopes up - their intended target was indeed another
DJ).
In October of 2002, Latham, New York DJ Irving
Bynum (aka: 'DJ Biz') was shot and slashed as he left the studios of
WAJZ-FM (he survived). Police arrested none other than a rival DJ in the
attempted murder, one Aristelle Thomas (aka: DJ 'Air Alert'), who was apprehended
days after he gave chase, abandoned the car and weapons, and disappeared
into the woods.
And sometimes the listener's ill-will against DJs take a more passive aggressive,
surreal approach... which might be a good thing for all considered:
In September of 2004, radio listener Billy
Wayne Miles, an oxygen-tank/scooter-bound Texas man suffering from
obesity and diabetes, bizarrely made bomb threats to a nearby parking garage
after a local radio station (KMCM-FM) refused to play his Fats Domino request.
No one was hurt, and Miles is now facing felony charges.
This leads to my all-important point. Most of these awful crimes are often
nipped in the bud by DJs and radio hosts who waste no time in getting the
law and coworkers involved (however uncooperative the law and coworkers
may be in the beginning) when it comes to the potentially dangerous over-attention
of weird listeners:
Busty (and photogenic!) British DJ Michelle Dignan (host of Manchester's
Key-103's late-night shift) recently ended a year-long "stalking Hell"
ordeal due to the harassment of an obsessed male fan, Jason
Wood. 35 year-old Wood was described by friends and family as an "intelligent
and articulate man" who had "a great interest in radio." His
interest in the 19 year-old Dignan unfortunately got the best of him, as
his relentless threat-tinged letters and packages to her resulted in his
arrest. Dignan requested police protection at the first sign of real trouble.
Like many stalkers, Wood finally got to meet his pout-a-riffic object of
affection in the very real flesh... at the court hearings during his sentencing.
Also recently in the UK, a very attentive radio listener by the name of
Rebecca
Corrighan was so attentive of drive-time Signal Radio host Matt
Rogan, that she began to sincerely believe that the DJ was, in actuality,
the secret identity of convicted child-murderer Robert Thompson. Since
Corrighan thought (still thinks?) that the BBC, the police, and pretty
much everyone else in her city were in on the sinister cover-up, she heroically
embarked on a one-woman harassment campaign to "uncover" him, which included
in-studio death threat calls with disguised voices, poisonous text messages,
and visits to the station where she was able to elude building security
because, according to her, she could "...walk through walls." Matt
Rogan and the station's management got involved, and Thompson was arrested
in July of 2004.
For 11 years, Florida radio host K.T. Mills (WALK-FM) was the recipient
of letters, flowers, gifts, engagement rings and occasional in-studio phone
calls from mental ward pay phones. This of course led to the ineditable
in-person
creepy visits/threats by faithful listener Alexander
Rousseau, who apparently believed the two shared a mutual affair in
his own mental la-la land. Police recently crashed the honeymoon and nabbed
Rousseau, and Mills' case became a lightening rod for tougher harassment
laws in New York (her own quote about her ordeal is the title of this post).
So, my fellow DJs, those examples may not have been exactly rote, but my
point is this: do not go gently into that obsessive listener's spider's
web nut zone. Do not! When your friends and co-workers are accusing
you of being "paranoid" and "ego-centric" when you express polite concern
over the listener who mails you their bloody ear in a heart-shaped envelope...
don't listen to their jealous cries of "foul." Follow your instincts and
cause the biggest commotion conceivable! Get everyone involved! Get the
law involved! Don't hesitate to loudly demand body guards and home security
devices and restraining orders galore. You ARE an important voice! You
ARE a talented, complex, mysterious and enigmatic radio personality that
obsessive human mental cases CAN and WILL become overly enamored with!
Flaunt it - it's called surviving! Get an agent! Call TV stations
and demand that your living Hell be turned into a "Lifetime Movie-of-the-Week!"
Go on daytime talk shows and gush buckets of tears as you talk about your
harrowing ordeal! You've climbed the ladder of success ...all the way to
the level of becoming an inner-world sounding board projection of some
unbalanced person's unresolved love and hate issues! Tell the world - or
you'll end up on the slab! Follow your gut instincts before your guts themselves
end up splattered all over the station's parking lot! It's the squeaky
wheel that gets the grease and the obnoxiously self-centered stalk-ee who
doesn't get shot (but may have to show up at court hearings)! Hang your
restraining orders in your cubicle like the medical degrees or Nobel Prize
certificates that they ARE equal to! Point them out to passersby! You've
earned them! You've attained one of our celebrity-obsessed society's most
sought-after medals of honor: a stalker. Be an "in-your-face" stalk-ee!
Flaunt your victim-ness, and also the clingy, dangerous, unpredictable
weirdo that haunts your every move, as obnoxiously and relentlessly as
possible... you may lose your dignity, but you'll save your life.
4. M. C. Escher
would have shopped there
The curious new Viktor & Rolf boutique in Milan has fashion lovers
hitting the ceiling. The Dutch fashion duo created it alongside architect
Siebe Tettero and designer Sherrie Zwail. Shop to your hearts content...
but bring some Dramamine. The clothes are the only things in the store
that are not upside down - even the store's facade, front door and fitting
rooms are inverted. Neck braces and LSD not included (and if you're wheelchair-bound,
just stay home... please). You can read about it here,
here
and here.
For a slideshow of the store, go to Viktor
& Rolf's web site (after getting through all the Flash stuff, click
on 'boutique.')
5. Where's your
"happy face?"
I can tell that these models wearing their new Paddy Hartley facial corsets
are extremely pleased... I think. Like most revolutionary fashion trends,
facial corsets blur the lines between the medical/scientific and the trendy/fabulous
- merging oral maxillofacial surgery and tissue-engineering with haute
couture and the over-40 globe-trotting sex kitten set. Link,
link,
link
and link
(all with lots of pics).
6. Flogging a
dead horse
Do you hate horses?
Mark
Allen's Top Four for 7/18/05:
Here are four photographs
I have taken at moments in my life from the past month. Please add what
you think the captions/cartoon bubbles should be saying, and I will post
them here.
Email caption here.
- "I'm blind!" (Boeman)
- "I had an art show in New York and all
I got was this lousy Ro'gina t-shirt!" (Nick R.)
- "Mere hours before his opening, Jim
inadvertently bumps into the Ro-Gina, which was switched on, and perhaps
unwisely displayed at crotch-level." (Sean Doli)
- "Where is the toilet?" (Joel)
- Caption: "Jim deposits a sculpture to
complement the paintings." Bubble: "Grunt!" (BobC)
- "A generation of MAD magazine readers
become millionaires." (Mikey)
- "Breakfast! Then lunch..and now, dessert!"
(Pinny The Ziphead)
- "I can't believe Richard is already
seeing someone new!" (Billyblue)
- "Where my grits?" (Scott Woodard)
- "Abu Ghraib - is it torture, or is it
art?" (Chuck G.)
- "Screed!" (Steven J.)
- "(RÜLPS)rbsensuppe!" (Robert)
- "And if any 'a you HOMO'S try 'en steal
any 'a MY PAINTINGS... (beat) ah kill ya."
(D. Hofer)
- "Tired of being 'shadowed', Jim turns
the tables and calls out the ninjas at their special 'dojo'." (Brion)
- "Beauty is well known to draw after
it the persecutions of impertinence, to incite the artifices of envy, and
to raise the flames of unlawful love; yet among those whom prudence or
modesty have made most eminent, who has ever complained of the inconveniencies
of an amiable form!? or would have purchased safety by the loss of charms!?!"
(Samuel Johnson via Rich B.)
- "The fucking Olson Twins have to PAY
like everyone else!" (Brian T.)
- "Awwwwwww skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet,
skeet... awwwwwww skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet." (Nikolai)
- "Iím the main attraction here, DAMN
IT!" (Rodney Redd)
- "Omfg." (Joey C.)
- "Alright bitches! It's Sweatin' to the
Oldies time!" (Eric P.)
- "Stop Mark that's not a real toilet!!!!"
(Dark Leo)
Email caption here.
- "Ever since June, befuddled WFMU DJs
have complained of the strange, growing number of boogers mysteriously
smeared on the record sleeves." (Boeman)
- "Where is that Peruvian nose-flute album?
Oh here it is!" (Nick R.)
- "Aspiring internet radio disc jockeys
would be surprised to know that Mark Allen really does not get paid very
much for his work at WFMU. In fact, he's working an indentured servitude
to earn back his entire 80's collection of vintage vinyl which was lost
at some random house party in Waco, TX, 1988. How it ended up in the library
vaults of WFMU is a mystery (or a conspiracy.) Lesson to be learned: don't
store your valuables so close to the door." (Dan-O)
- "Where is the toilet?" (Joel)
- Caption: "New DJ Mark Allen demonstrates
his technique for smelling out another musical gem for his radio show."
Bubble: "That's it!" (mystery man)
- Caption: "Mark gets stuck, again."
Bubble: "Will someone please help me!" (BobC)
- "All records at WFMU must be filed alphabetically
and nose-wise." (Mikey)
- "Floor Jive!" (Pinny The Ziphead)
- "CDs are the way of the future...GET
OVER IT!!!" (Billyblue)
- "While selecting cuts for his next show,
Mark was attacked by one of the undead, underfed zombies that live hidden
in the lower recesses of the WFMU library and survive on left-over 8-track
tape and Norwegian death metal tunes from Diane Kamikaze's show. Seen out
of frame (Mark was grabbed by the ankles and dragged into a secret trap
door between the Y and Z CD sections near the floor... leaving a single
drop of blood nearby), this rare photo is nevertheless the only evidence
of this malignant army of creatures that hide in the shadows of this esteemed
institution and snatch the occasional DJ, leaving a frustrated and terrified
staff to dub the lower levels of the library 'The Bermuda Triangle.' Listen
to Mark's next show, which will be programmed by an AUTO-DJ machine, and
will be in his memory. And if you listen carefully, during the rare, brief
moments of dead air at WFMU, turning your volume knob up really loud...
you may be able to hear the faint, horrific cries and wailings of the monsters
that live many fathoms below, way, way down...in the basement." (Chuck
G.)
- "Diese LP geht durch 'Mark' und Bein!"
(Robert)
- "AaaAAAHHH! aaAEEYE have the butt
everyone's always wanted!!!!" (D. Hofer)
- "Mark's epiphany was startling, ill-timed,
and sort of painful all at once." (Brion)
- "Tastes like chicken!" (Eric P.)
- "Hooked on a classics and fucked by
a stool." (Frank D.)
- "To be able to procure its own entertainments,
and to subsist upon its own stock, is not the prerogative of every mind!
There are, indeed, understandings so fertile and comprehensive, that they
can always feed reflection with new supplies, and suffer nothing from the
preclusion of adventitious amusements; as some cities have within their
own walls enclosed ground enough to feed their inhabitants in a siege!!
But others live only from day to day, and must be constantly enabled, by
foreign supplies, to keep out the encroachments of languor and stupidity!!!"
(Samuel Johnson via Rich B.)
- "I can't believe 'Tom' from My Space
never writes back." (Brian T)
Email caption here.
- "I just got back from Toys In Babeland!"
(Boeman)
- "The latest weapon to fight NYC-sized
rats: Rat Kill-Bots!" (Nick R.)
- "I see, Mr. Robot. And for this
court record, could you tell me exactly where it was that Mr. Allen 'touched
you' while you were playing Donna Summers' Last Dance?" (Dan-O)
- "Where is the toilet?" (Joel)
- "I am not finding the simulated pulse."
(Larry Swanson II)
- Caption: "Technician holds down the
robot as it had attempted to jump out the window when it learned it must
spend 4 days with Mark Allen." (robot) Bubble: "You don't understand, he'll
watch the same damn movie over and over and over." (technician) Bubble:
"Tough for you circuit boy, you're not costing me $6k by offing yourself."
(BobC)
- "Many Americans do not realize that
the high cost of the robot actually includes a young Japanese woman super
glued to the back of it, 24hours-a-day, 365days-a-year, secretly operating
it like a marionette." (Mikey)
- "The latest delicacy from the Orient...
robot sashimi. Raw robot meat served on expensive Manhattan apartment hardwood
floor." (Pinny The Ziphead)
- "Ya right, there's a bubble coming out
of my head...now quit stalling and DIE!!" (Billyblue)
- "Für japanische Hände ist
die Maus etwas unergonomisch, ich probier mal die andere." (Robert)
- "Hmmmmm... I'm hungry... MMMMM...
GIANT MARSHMALLOW PEEP!!!" (D. Hofer)
- "Domo Arrigato Mr. Ro - WHAT THE FUCK?"
(Steven S.)
- "Toilet squat and play." (Frank d.)
- Sir, there is nothing by which a man
exasperates most people more, than by displaying a superiour ability or
brilliancy in conversation! They seem pleased at the time; but their envy
makes them curse him in their hearts!!" (Samuel Johnson via Rich B.)
- "Really, no one steals Mark's Haysi
Fantayzee records." (Brian T.)
Email caption here.
- "Nobody here but us vanishing perspective
lines!" (Boeman)
- "Nobody here but us Jason Voorhees'."
(Nick R.)
- "'The Man Not Taken': Two guys emerged
from my dating list, and sorry I could not do them both, and have great
sex, my chance I have missed, and be one of the guys they must have kissed,
gave my own wood some new undergrowth" (Dan-O)
- "Where is the toilet?" (Joel)
- Caption: "Jim takes a picture of Mark
in the woods." Bubble: "Am I far enough back, yet?" (BobC)
- "I always enjoyed Edie Beale's recitation
of the Robert Frost poem best." (Mikey)
- "I'm late! I'm late for a very important
date!" (Pinny The Ziphead)
- (whisper from an underpaid background
tree actor) "Ya, I think I'm in the shot?" (Billyblue)
- "Jetzt habe ich gerade gefegt..." (Robert)
- "I love you!" (D. Hofer)
- "To live without feeling or exciting
sympathy, to be fortunate without adding to the felicity of others, or
afflicted without tasting the balm of pity, is a state more gloomy than
solitude; it is not retreat, but exclusion from mankind! Marriage has many
pains, but celibacy has no pleasures!!" (Samuel Johnson via Rich B.)
- "Keep walking, soon you'll be in Mortville
where you belong." (Brian T.)
- "Who farted?" and "Did anyone just hear
a tree fall?" (Lorne L.)
- "Do I look hot yet.....? How about now.....?"
(Steve S.)
- "Back, back, back Just a little more.
Thatís it keep going!" and "The invisible man speaks!" (Rodney Redd)
- "Uhh not again... stupid bears." (James
Fung)
- "So many leaves and so little time..."
(Peter M.)
- "How do I look?" (Frank D.)
Copyright 2005 Mark Allen
go to past "Top Tens"