...see you around town...suckers!!!
(detailed description below)
I have a secret life.
This is my "Ultimate Disguise". It is all-powerful and impenetrable. Even by the most well-trained, hawk-eye experts in the art of catching those who are not whom they seem to be. This high-tech outfit is based on years of field and clinical research and is the result of countless, top-notch test runs where important research scientists were involved. It is your ultimate weapon in the fight! The fight against WHAT you ask? The fight against being FOUND OUT!!!
I have used this ingeniously designed "identity cloak" on countless missions to the corner deli, the United Nations, outside the White House in Washington, D.C., inside the most prominent circles at UFO/Alien-Abductee/Breatharian gatherings and to parties where there were those in attendance that I didn't want to speak to or be seen by. I have gone incognito to many important high society social cocktail parties on Manhattan's upper east side and secret government meetings in Geneva and even more secret Skull and Bones underground meetings in basements at ivy league schools in this disguise - unbeknownst to anyone - even those in high authority and security personal whom are trained to spot spies like me. I have even attended Mensa meetings in my Ultimate Disguise and - high I.Q. or not - no one was smart enough to figure out who I was!
This disguise has allowed me to slip into the most elite and "off-limits" areas, gain people's trust, and allowed me to - most importantly - GATHER INFORMATION FROM THEM!!! Only Jim and Domenic know about this so far. Now so do you.
I can't photograph myself in it and show you the photograph - or I would have to kill you all. This drawing will have to do. Only one person I know has photographed me in The Ultimate Disguise - and his body ended up being found in the peacock cage at the Central Park Zoo - mysteriously pecked and feathered to death - his film mysteriously missing from his camera. Although I will tell you - I have appeared on my cam in my Ultimate Disguise once or twice... but don't worry, if you were looking - you didn't see me. That's because NO ONE CAN SEE ME - IN MY ULTIMATE DISGUISE!!!
Here's the secret ingredients to my Ultimate Disguise, that you and only you now know. Proceed with caution, this information is HIGHLY DANGEROUS!!!
1. Cheap blond "bobbed style" wigSee you around town...suckers!!!
- largest size. Available from any wig store on 14th street in NYC
2. Oversized fedora hat
- to fit over large size wig
3. Dark sunglasses
- large size and very dark
4. "Groucho Marx" fake plastic glasses frames with eyebrows, large fake plastic nose and hairy mustache
- to be worn over dark sunglasses
5. Fake "Dracula" Halloween vampire teeth
- to be worn in mouth
6. Large size London Fog khaki-colored button down raincoat with belt
- can be used to hide things
7. Fake "suit and tie" vest to be worn under top opening of raincoat
- this is a triangle-shaped false front device strapped to the top of your shirt (and visible through the open top of whatever coat or cape you may be wearing) that can give the impression you are wearing a full dress suit - gives a false, "business-like" appearance, and can be put on and taken off quickly. This item can be purchased at your local "spy and sleuth" boutique - just ask for it, they'll know what you're talking about
7. Anti-Jane Fonda anti-communist propaganda patch, circa 1970's
- worn on right lapel of coat
8. Third fake leg, made to match other real legs
- easily constructed from home materials (sawed off broom handle) and stuffing and extra clothes (pants leg, sock, shoe) - note: make sure pants leg, sock and shoe match real pants leg, sock and shoe on real legs. This third leg can be tied onto one of real legs on upper part of thigh (under coat) with rope or bungee cord and made to "walk". Can also be used as a weapon in emergencies.
9. Fake boobs attached to back of costume
- are you coming, or going? Your enemies will spend precious minutes trying to figure this out while you make a quick getaway. Note: for added delusion, practice walking backwards with fake third leg.
10. Wheel attached to pole, attached to back of belt
- obviously!
11. Monster hands
- available at any Halloween joke shop
- also: good for throwing off "fingerprint"-seekers
12. Exaggerated, upper-class English accent - at high volume
- If anyone talks to you or asks you a question... try to duck out of the situation. If this is not an option, speak in a kind of cartoon-y, exaggerated English accent, at very, very high volume. Start everything you say with "I s-a-a-a-a-a-y-y-y-y!!!" or "Why, with certainment my good fellow!!!" also... flail your arms around like an epileptic maniac while talking... this will distract and confuse your enemies.
- note: if you are in England, substitute a Chinese accent, and replace the word "certainment" with "lucky"
- also: your plastic "vampire" teeth will make it easier to speak with a mysterious accent.
13. Refer to impossible transportation devices whenever asked what you are doing in any given situation
- For example, if anyone says something like, maybe; "Oh my God what the Hell are you and how the Hell did you get in here?" start off by saying "Oh, with certainment my good fellow {or madame}! I just flew in on my Octo-helistroptic Motorized Cycle-copter!" Remember the English accent and flailing arms.